my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
