i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
