In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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