First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They took my balls.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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