did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
