just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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