He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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