I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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