If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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