we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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