When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
