Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize