You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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