You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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