I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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