You're completely useless in the revolution.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
whose parrot is this?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize