ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
