Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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