If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
