I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
