Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
