id be glad to
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
