I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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