I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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