I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
