I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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