Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize