So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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