bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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