I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
