I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
