I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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