is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
