I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
