i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
