I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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