All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
