did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
