She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My penis needs a shock collar
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I want is dick and wine.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
