no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
