where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
