I faked an abortion last night.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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