she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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