How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
