theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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