I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
