I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
