Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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