he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize