marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
