I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
