You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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