and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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