GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize