i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
