i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
