Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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