I smell stomach acid.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
