Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
