just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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