our cab driver is having phone sex.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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