we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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